Another outrageous Annie column- whilst the website is being updated


The more eejits change, the more they stay the same

Texting. Mobile Phones. School Children on buses messing with their fecking loud ring tones. They’re all modern phenomena ( great song, shite word) but they really show that whilst things may change, school children don’t really. They were always annoying on buses and they always will be. Whether it’s a CIE hash smoking idiot down the back special or a hover-bus with super laser robot driver in the year 2526, school-kids will always be annoying. They may have graduated from throwing bits of spit paper with rulers to sending texts using immensely crap abbreviations to their mates and then all giggling about Johnno and yer one, Rachel , the class bicycle ( the whole class has taken her for a ride, and her with the wobbly saddle and loud bell) but they’re still doing the same thing, but with more advanced methods. And this is the mistake that all these shit films that apparently all men in the world find enjoyable ( I’d rather watch a toasted cheese sandwich grow cold) make- assuming that people in the future will be somehow different. Bollocks they will. Whether it’s a ruler or a mobile phone or a super holographic doohickey five thousand years in the future- it’ll still be all about giggling about yer one Rachel and yer man Johnno and smutty jokes about sex.

Which is true for all society. People are simple creatures ( their chosen leader is Pat Kenny) and have simple wants ( which would explain tv3) and their basic needs won’t change over time. It’s like the furore that erupts every so often about pufters. The same old usual rubbish is churned up on both sides about how much of a danger they are, how unnatural they are, how they’re weird and make you feel ill thinking about it. Then of course, they’re lovely people, artistic, very good with their hands ( unlike my first husband Fred who wasn’t) and so on and so forth until you’re yawning like nobody’s business. It’s all shite of course, They were around when the dinosaurs buggered off and the cavemen came out of their caves and started inventing things; they were around when the romans were in charge. They have always been here and always will be. They just are. No need fro ranting or raving or explaining or analysing. They just are. Like crap haircuts on a young one or suspicion that Pat Kenny is an escaped Doctor Who monster trying to go straight- they are something that is just fact, something that can’t be explained but just is.

Until Next time , God Bless, Annie.

Here's another Annie column concerning the much maligned Atkins Diet- Annie is a very cranky, very strange woman who I insist never ever comes into our Imgine-Nation Enterprises Office but rather delivers her columns via courier. She scares me.


THE ANNIE DIET


Atkins my arse. He died fat. It’s full of fat and you will smell like ten day old sausages and tripe if you are stupid enough to engage in a diet that relies heavily on Meat and eggs. But that’s what people like, apparently. It’s not about diets that ‘ work’ and make you healthy or help you achieve the correct weight. It’s about being able to enjoy life without the constant guilty feeling and the paranoia of being perceived as one of those ‘ plus’ sized women that everybody agrees in polite company have ‘some very lovely clothes…oohh yes…and in sizes giant to bloody huge too!’ but nobody would ever want to be. Atkins is merely the latest in a long line of swindlers, bullshit artists and nonsense merchants. We’re all different. All of our bodies are different, thank God, and we all have different reactions to diets. The only constant is that we all need balanced diets, some exercise ( whether it be carrying heavy shopping bags down the road, putting up with your Grandchild throwing jigsaw pieces all over your floor, helping your husband find which button does what on the new DVD remote control when he gets stuck) and to leave at least one or two of the crap sweets in the next box of Roses ( no celebrations or heroes shite in my house, thank you very much) so that you don’t fee like a complete and utter greedy cow.

So its all a bit of hocus pocus really. You could actually write a book on how to make up a best-selling diet, if you didn’t mind lying to people everywhere and making money off of fecking eejit’s naievity and misery. It’s very easy to do.

First, you give people what they want, not what they need. Second, you give the book a snappy title and a quick simple to digest ( haha) one-liner to describe this wonderful new approach to eating what you want and not feeling guilty. Thirdly, you throw in some fake sciencey gobbledegook to give a quick ‘explanation’ of the amazing scientific principles that pilot your great scheme. Fourthly, you get a dimwit celebrity to be an unwitting spokesperson for your ridiculous diet. Finally, you get to grow fat and sit back and chuckle as the money rolls in and you personally completely ignore the ludicrous diet that your ‘plan’ has gotten so many sheep like individuals involved in.

To prove the point, Here’s my new diet book.

THE ANNIE DIET
‘ Eat only meringues and turnips dipped in brandy and watch the pounds roll away’

‘ The Annie Diet uses a breakthrough in science that attacks the level three fat cells whilst releasing valuable free-oxidant agents which speed up metabolism and increase endorphin levels…’

Recent advocates of the Annie Diet include Catherine Zeta Jones-Douglas and her children all of whom have been seeing recently eating meringues and plates of fried, brandy-dipped turnip slices in L.A’s notoriously trendy La vache qui mange eaterie.

Until next time, God Bless, Annie.